


Never ending cycle

by delusaedisillusa



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brainwashing, F/M, Memory Loss, Promiscuity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 04:11:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6408265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delusaedisillusa/pseuds/delusaedisillusa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She had been his only light.<br/>It was dark again</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never ending cycle

He had tried.  
He had tried to go away, to change.  
He had wanted to start anew, marrying a woman who couldn’t be more different than her.  
To swap fro crimson to blue, until the crimson came back covering the blue till it was the only color he could see. His whole world covering in blood.  
Her blood.

He had been ready to end her life and maybe his, but Brienne the manifestation of his conscience had stopped him.  
He had wanted to kill her, it had been so close he could feel her pulse dying between his hands. Her body becoming cold like his right hand.  
When he dreamed about this, he would wake up sexually aroused and disgusted with himself, he would take a shower, riding his horse like a madman, shower again before he could look at the calm and innocent face of his wife.  
He needed to see her to be remembered that he wanted to be good, he wanted to be honourable and he could do this, till he dreamt of her again.

Maybe it would have been merciful if he had killed her, she wouldn’t had to see her children die.  
She wouldn’t had become crazy, she wouldn’t had spirited away.  
That a woman like Cersei could have disappear without trace, he wouldn’t had thought it was possible. Not only her body, her whole persona was remarkable, once you saw her she wouldn’t let go your mind.  
They tried to find her, she was still his twin sister, still a Lannister, but without avail.  
Cersei Lannister stayed away, and he knew she was still alive because he couldn’t believe that she would die and he wouldn’t perceived this.  
He tried to explain it to his family, he only earned sympathetic words, there hadn’t been any demands, no his family believed Cersei had killed herself.  
Nobody seemed to miss her.

How many years of therapy, only to realized he had always mirrored her twin, he hadn’t developed a true personality, he had always done what he thought his sister would like.  
His desire to be with her was because he wanted to be as fierce and bold as her.  
She had touched the lions. He hadn’t.  
But he had touched her. She was a dangerous as any lion.  
Codependency, narcissism, loss of boundary…  
Love wasn't mentioned.  
The children, to be accurate their death, had caused her downfall to madness.  
He had seen her broken. He had closed his eyes and their life together.  
He had married Brienne started his path into an honorable life.

He hadn't thought that her need to start a family would end their new life together.  
He hadn't had a strong desire to have children, but Brienne, to his surprise, wanted to be a mother.  
Two years after trying without any success, they had visited a fertility clinic.  
They diagnosed Brienne with an endocrine disorder.  
Brienne had been devastated, her fragile self esteem broken.  
The therapy had been a torture.  
The first pregnancy ended with an abortion after six weeks.  
Three months later the two fetuses they had implanted were expelled.  
“It's like my body rejects to be female” she had cried. Her blue eyes vacant.  
The third try, ended before the stable period.  
Jaime decided they would take a vacation. She was still young, they could try later.  
If she really wanted to have a child they would adopt one.  
She was strong, she would be able to get over the gossips and the pitying glance, she had the heart of a warrior.  
They were visiting Tarth, she had gone swimming, only to not coming back.

She had been his only light.  
It was dark again


End file.
